A Balancing Act

Despite my best efforts-the kicking, screaming, dragging my heels, pleading with Father Time-my summer rudely packed its bags and headed out of town.

This past week, a new school year forced its way into my life, and with it comes an existance drastically different than our lives in June and July. To clarify upfront, I love my job. Although I am indecisive to my very core, I somehow managed to pick the right major at the frighteningly young age of 18. During the school year, I spend my days with packed rooms full of teenagers, instructing them in the ways of composing captivating essays (or just managing to write complete sentences, if I'm being honest) and delving into varying works of literature, trying to convice them that, they, too, should be moved to tears when Boo Radley peers out from around the bedroom door or that their heart should swell when Scout looks out from her porch. Working with teenagers is inspiring, entertaining, and, many times, frustrating as all get out. :)

Last Spring, I went back to work when Laiken was 11 weeks old. As many have experienced, it was heart-wrenching, and I was consumed with guilt and fear. I would get up at 4:45am every morning to pump for 45 minutes before showering and getting ready for work. My prep period and lunch were spent in a tiny computer server room at school, hooked up to a pump like a freaking cow, trying to keep the machine attached to my utters, all while eating a sandwich, grading essays, and creating PowerPoint presentations on the laptop sitting upon the mini-fridge that served as my makeshift desk. The hubs was in school full-time with classes several nights of the week. The combination of his absence and my chronically fussy-in-the-evening-every-stinkin'-evening baby, my evenings consisted of holding said baby, never putting said baby down for fear of the horrified look on his face and the scream escaping his mouth, and not getting a single other thing accomplished. My house was in a never-ending state of complete disarray and clutter, and our dinners consisted of frozen convenience foods that could easily be thrown in the microwave with one hand. In addition to those elements of chaos, Laiken slept horribly at night. We endured several months in the spring of getting 3-4 fragmented hours of sleep per night, battling a screaming baby for hours at a time in the middle of the night. He slept like a champ for the first four months, and then the you-know-what hit the fan. Without a doubt, in the midst of all of that insanity, my work was suffering. I felt as if I could barely hold a single thought in my mind, let alone effectively lesson plan/grade/instruct/etc. Basically, I felt like I was failing in every capacity of my life.

Fortunately for all parties involved, I have a new optimism for this year. No more pumping and no more sleepless nights. Planning and shopping for the week's meals on Sunday and picking out and ironing all of my work clothes over the weekend as well. Laiken's evening temperament improved significantly over the summer, but every evening of my first week back, his old crankiness returned. I'm hopeful that it's all a part of his adjustment, though, and that my sweet, happy, silly baby will return to our evening hours! Kevin will be home more evenings this semester (we think), so if the aforementioned fussiness doesn't dissipate, at least we have two sets of hands this year. I have only two preps this semester instead of three, which means I can devote more of my planning to those two preps. An earlier bedtime for Laiken so that I can accomplish more in the late evening (essay grading, next day's dinner prepping, bottle washing, laundry folding, etc.).

The guilt and heartache I felt leaving Laiken when he was 11 weeks old is magnified tenfold this go around. I think it's because of the summer we had together, his level of interaction, and his hilarious personality emerging-the knowledge that I am missing out on hours of it per day.

This working mom business is no joke. And I only have one baby! I think it is due to several factors: Kevin being in school, Laiken having been a more challenging baby, and me having a job that requires a lot of additional work at home.

It's chaotic, stressful, and overwhelming. It's busy, insane, and exhausting. But, at the end of the day, my prayer is that, as long as I'm a working mom, Laiken will gain some knowledge of time management, work ethic, and balance. That is not to say, of course, that stay-at-home-moms aren't displaying those characteristics, also-of course I know they are.

So, my outlook is optimistic, and I am ready to be the absolute best mom, wife, and teacher I can be. Here we go!