Hello, Hormones

I've always been a crier. I cry really easily; my mom and pops are the same way. You'd never think that by looking at my dad, but he is a total softy. I blame them for my inability to fight back tears.

This pregnancy thing has brought a whole new level to my tendency to tear.

It is ridiculous. I refuse to be ashamed of it because I recognize that I don't, unfortunately, have much control over it. Luckily, Kevin never makes me feel silly or petty when I cry easily, and he's continued that into this pregnancy. Even when I'm crying watching American Idol, or crying because my jeans don't fit, Kevin is so sweet.

Yesterday, I was at Old Navy, and this little girl stopped breathing. Her mom was holding the daughter, and she was completely limp. They called an ambulance, and I just stood there and watched. The girl started breathing but was gasping for breathe and crying and couldn't keep her head up. She couldn't have been more than two years old. I could not believe how calm the mom was. She was definitely freaked out, but she wasn't screaming or crying or anything. I had to walk over into the clearance section to finally let my sea of emotion and tears out. I couldn't hold it in! It was so intense and terrifying. I fought back tears in line at the check out as I watched the paramedics talk to the mom and check out the girl, and I bawled when I got in my car.

As a mom, how do you deal with stuff like that? I honestly don't think I have the capacity. I mean, I guess you just do because you have to. You're mom. It's part of your job. But, holy cow. I couldn't keep it together, and I didn't even know the people. I really have to trust that God knew what He was doing when He decided it was time for us to have a baby, but I feel totally inadequate. I guess a lot of moms-to-be probably do, but I'm terrified.

I should know more about the status of my job in the next week or so. Prayers are appreciated!

TGIF,
Me.

Greetings!

I set this blog up quite some time ago, but, like most things in my life, I kept putting it on the backburner and hadn't posted anything. I suppose now is the time to change that!

A little update on all things Beck right now:
-We found out on Feb. 7 that we are going to have a baby! I'm 9 weeks pregnant today. After having three doctors tell me I'd have difficulty getting pregnant, it was a total SHOCK, to say the least. The shock has started to wear off, and the excitement is quickly taking its place. We're just praying for a healthy baby. I'm a total worrier by nature, so it is taking everything in me to remember that God is growing this baby, not me, and I have no control over what happens. I can take my prenatals, eat well, and take care of myself, but that's where my control ends. In all of the shock and excitement, we ended up telling pretty much everyone. I know it is considered unwise to tell people before you escape the dangers of the first trimester, but we decided to go ahead and share our news.

-Two weeks after finding out about our little babe, we found out that I will more than likely be losing my job. Our school (and every school in the state) is suffering tremendous budget cuts, and being the lowest on the seniority list in our department means I'm the first to go. The scariest part for us is that my job is our source of health insurance since Kevin is self-employed. The school has to offer me COBRA insurance, but it's $1050/mo for the three of us. Holyoverpricedinsurance. $1050? That's funny. There is a chance a girl in my department may take next year off, and if that happens, I'll get to stay for another year.

-Needless to say, house hunting is on hold for the time being.

-Also needless to say, life is craaazy right now. It is definitely a season of learning to trust trust trust. It sure is easy to talk about trusting God when you're not facing anything that really requires tremendous amounts of trust. We'll chalk it up to a learning experience :)

First post: Check.