Despite my best efforts-the kicking, screaming, dragging my heels, pleading with Father Time-my summer rudely packed its bags and headed out of town.
This past week, a new school year forced its way into my life, and with it comes an existance drastically different than our lives in June and July. To clarify upfront, I love my job. Although I am indecisive to my very core, I somehow managed to pick the right major at the frighteningly young age of 18. During the school year, I spend my days with packed rooms full of teenagers, instructing them in the ways of composing captivating essays (or just managing to write complete sentences, if I'm being honest) and delving into varying works of literature, trying to convice them that, they, too, should be moved to tears when Boo Radley peers out from around the bedroom door or that their heart should swell when Scout looks out from her porch. Working with teenagers is inspiring, entertaining, and, many times, frustrating as all get out. :)
Last Spring, I went back to work when Laiken was 11 weeks old. As many have experienced, it was heart-wrenching, and I was consumed with guilt and fear. I would get up at 4:45am every morning to pump for 45 minutes before showering and getting ready for work. My prep period and lunch were spent in a tiny computer server room at school, hooked up to a pump like a freaking cow, trying to keep the machine attached to my utters, all while eating a sandwich, grading essays, and creating PowerPoint presentations on the laptop sitting upon the mini-fridge that served as my makeshift desk. The hubs was in school full-time with classes several nights of the week. The combination of his absence and my chronically fussy-in-the-evening-every-stinkin'-evening baby, my evenings consisted of holding said baby, never putting said baby down for fear of the horrified look on his face and the scream escaping his mouth, and not getting a single other thing accomplished. My house was in a never-ending state of complete disarray and clutter, and our dinners consisted of frozen convenience foods that could easily be thrown in the microwave with one hand. In addition to those elements of chaos, Laiken slept horribly at night. We endured several months in the spring of getting 3-4 fragmented hours of sleep per night, battling a screaming baby for hours at a time in the middle of the night. He slept like a champ for the first four months, and then the you-know-what hit the fan. Without a doubt, in the midst of all of that insanity, my work was suffering. I felt as if I could barely hold a single thought in my mind, let alone effectively lesson plan/grade/instruct/etc. Basically, I felt like I was failing in every capacity of my life.
Fortunately for all parties involved, I have a new optimism for this year. No more pumping and no more sleepless nights. Planning and shopping for the week's meals on Sunday and picking out and ironing all of my work clothes over the weekend as well. Laiken's evening temperament improved significantly over the summer, but every evening of my first week back, his old crankiness returned. I'm hopeful that it's all a part of his adjustment, though, and that my sweet, happy, silly baby will return to our evening hours! Kevin will be home more evenings this semester (we think), so if the aforementioned fussiness doesn't dissipate, at least we have two sets of hands this year. I have only two preps this semester instead of three, which means I can devote more of my planning to those two preps. An earlier bedtime for Laiken so that I can accomplish more in the late evening (essay grading, next day's dinner prepping, bottle washing, laundry folding, etc.).
The guilt and heartache I felt leaving Laiken when he was 11 weeks old is magnified tenfold this go around. I think it's because of the summer we had together, his level of interaction, and his hilarious personality emerging-the knowledge that I am missing out on hours of it per day.
This working mom business is no joke. And I only have one baby! I think it is due to several factors: Kevin being in school, Laiken having been a more challenging baby, and me having a job that requires a lot of additional work at home.
It's chaotic, stressful, and overwhelming. It's busy, insane, and exhausting. But, at the end of the day, my prayer is that, as long as I'm a working mom, Laiken will gain some knowledge of time management, work ethic, and balance. That is not to say, of course, that stay-at-home-moms aren't displaying those characteristics, also-of course I know they are.
So, my outlook is optimistic, and I am ready to be the absolute best mom, wife, and teacher I can be. Here we go!
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Saturday, July 30, 2011
Time flies...
Lately, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about how quickly time is passing us by. Right now, it's quarter 'til five, and I don't know where the day has gone. At 5:15am, I got up to feed my babbling baby, and then he conked back out until 7:45am. We got up, went garage sale-ing, and then came home in time for his (and my!) morning nap. Two hours later, we crawled out of bed (and crib) and went about our daily routines. Now, the evening is closing in on us, and there are only a few more hours until Laiken goes to bed.
And our days go like this. Each one, flying by faster than I recognize until the house gets messier, the sun gets softer, and Laiken gets sleepier.
It's as if in the blink of an eye, another day is wrapping up, Laiken is another day older, and his baby days are slipping away.
I used to not understand why moms got so weepy and boo-hoo-ish about their babies growing up. It's inevitable, I thought. What's the big deal? But, now that I've entered into the mysterious world of motherhood, I get it. Like many of the things I could have never understood about being a mom until it was the life I was in, I get it. The sweet child that God grew in my body, the one who was a part of me for months, the baby who came into this world screaming while I wept along with him... is growing out of these days that we'll never experience again. When I think about the days ahead of us, I can't fight the smile that explodes on my face. Kevin and I spend our time picturing our future with Laiken, and we beam thinking about who he could become. But, my heart breaks thinking about never experiencing Laiken as a tiny, full-dependent newborn again (and how I desperately wished those days away, at the time), and how, if time keeps up its current pace, he'll be a kid before I know it.
Each night, when I put Laiken to bed, I pray over him, and I cry and cry, thanking my sweet God for giving us this precious, sweet boy, and for showing us this love I could never have imagined. Lord, help me to remember, and soak up, these days.
And our days go like this. Each one, flying by faster than I recognize until the house gets messier, the sun gets softer, and Laiken gets sleepier.
It's as if in the blink of an eye, another day is wrapping up, Laiken is another day older, and his baby days are slipping away.
I used to not understand why moms got so weepy and boo-hoo-ish about their babies growing up. It's inevitable, I thought. What's the big deal? But, now that I've entered into the mysterious world of motherhood, I get it. Like many of the things I could have never understood about being a mom until it was the life I was in, I get it. The sweet child that God grew in my body, the one who was a part of me for months, the baby who came into this world screaming while I wept along with him... is growing out of these days that we'll never experience again. When I think about the days ahead of us, I can't fight the smile that explodes on my face. Kevin and I spend our time picturing our future with Laiken, and we beam thinking about who he could become. But, my heart breaks thinking about never experiencing Laiken as a tiny, full-dependent newborn again (and how I desperately wished those days away, at the time), and how, if time keeps up its current pace, he'll be a kid before I know it.
Each night, when I put Laiken to bed, I pray over him, and I cry and cry, thanking my sweet God for giving us this precious, sweet boy, and for showing us this love I could never have imagined. Lord, help me to remember, and soak up, these days.
Sunday, July 24, 2011
Reunited
Alas! I have returned to my blog. Assuredly, I have no time for you, Blog, but you lure me in with your promises of therapeutic ramblings and incessant time-wasting.
It's been almost an entire year since I last updated, and what a year of my life to fail at blogging about...
Let's see if I can manage to recap the most momentous, life-changing, incredible, difficult, and joyful year of my life.... in a few sentences and photo. Ahem...
October 16, 2010:
October 17, 2010:
And now, Laiken Robert, nine incredible months later:
Nobody could have, despite their best efforts, EVER prepared my heart (or my mind) for motherhood. The last nine months have been the best, and hardest, of my life.
Our hearts are full, our floors are cluttered, our brains are scattered, and our bank accounts are dwindling... and we are in love.
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
The Return
Wow.
It's been over 3 months since I've posted anything. I straight up ignored the end of the school year, the entire summer, etc. Blogging only seems to enter my mind when I'm bored, and fortunately, I haven't been bored very often.
Well, since my last post on May 7, many things have happened!
-My best friend, Kristi, got married, and I got to be the matron of honor.
-We found out this little baby inside of me is a BOY!
-I felt the baby move for the first time while sitting at my desk at school one morning. He hasn't stopped much since :)
-We bought and moved into our first house on June 4th.
-I got to be a bridesmaid in my dear friend Alex's wedding, and Kevin was a groomsman.
-We had a brief scare with baby when he decided to take the day off and not move for an entire day. We ended up in the hospital, but baby was fine... just relaxing, apparently.
-One of Kevin's best friends, Jordan, came to visit from Texas.
-Kevin turned 27.
-I started having lots of Braxton Hicks contractions, so I spent lots and lots of time lying in bed trying to slow down said contractions.
-I taught summer school, and that started in early June and ended in late July.
-I filled out endless job applications, sent numerous resumes and cover letters, and did a lot of praying in between.
-Kevin and I spent lots of time being discouraged about our job situation, and then being confident God would provide, and continually flip-flopping between the two.
-Finally got a job at the school where I was teaching! No more teaching (for now), but I'm doing a support staff position. Thank you, Jesus!
-Kevin decided to pursue nursing! He will apply this fall and hopefully be accepted to the program for the following fall. In the meantime, he'll be taking the non-nursing classes that are part of the program to lighten his load for the future.
-We've started working on the nursery because Baby Beck's arrival is quickly approaching!
Okay, as I often do, I'm losing interest as I'm typing this, so I will settle for that being my update for now. Basically, life is great. It has been the craziest year of our life so far (pregnancy, job loss, buying a house, etc.), but, overall, it has been good :)
It's been over 3 months since I've posted anything. I straight up ignored the end of the school year, the entire summer, etc. Blogging only seems to enter my mind when I'm bored, and fortunately, I haven't been bored very often.
Well, since my last post on May 7, many things have happened!
-My best friend, Kristi, got married, and I got to be the matron of honor.
-We found out this little baby inside of me is a BOY!
-I felt the baby move for the first time while sitting at my desk at school one morning. He hasn't stopped much since :)
-We bought and moved into our first house on June 4th.
-I got to be a bridesmaid in my dear friend Alex's wedding, and Kevin was a groomsman.
-We had a brief scare with baby when he decided to take the day off and not move for an entire day. We ended up in the hospital, but baby was fine... just relaxing, apparently.
-One of Kevin's best friends, Jordan, came to visit from Texas.
-Kevin turned 27.
-I started having lots of Braxton Hicks contractions, so I spent lots and lots of time lying in bed trying to slow down said contractions.
-I taught summer school, and that started in early June and ended in late July.
-I filled out endless job applications, sent numerous resumes and cover letters, and did a lot of praying in between.
-Kevin and I spent lots of time being discouraged about our job situation, and then being confident God would provide, and continually flip-flopping between the two.
-Finally got a job at the school where I was teaching! No more teaching (for now), but I'm doing a support staff position. Thank you, Jesus!
-Kevin decided to pursue nursing! He will apply this fall and hopefully be accepted to the program for the following fall. In the meantime, he'll be taking the non-nursing classes that are part of the program to lighten his load for the future.
-We've started working on the nursery because Baby Beck's arrival is quickly approaching!
Okay, as I often do, I'm losing interest as I'm typing this, so I will settle for that being my update for now. Basically, life is great. It has been the craziest year of our life so far (pregnancy, job loss, buying a house, etc.), but, overall, it has been good :)
Friday, May 7, 2010
The Scientist
This song, without fail, gets tears to well up in my eyes every time I hear it. When I was in college, I had to take a public speaking class, and for a persuasive speech we did, our assignment was to persuade our audience to donate money to a specific charity. Mine was the Women's Violence Prevention Center, and I started off the speech with a slideshow of images of women who had been the products of domestic violence, and I had this song playing in the background. Maybe that's why it evokes such emotion from me, or maybe it's because it's simply a heartwrenching song for some reason.
Tomorrow, one of my nearest and dearest friends in the whole world will be walking down the aisle. I am ecstatic, and I'm so honored to be her matron of honor and to stand up for someone I love so much. She is one of the most genuinely sweet people I've ever known. Her friendship is just precious to me. It's existed since we were 12, it's easy, it's comfortable, it's always full of laughter and good conversation, and it is just irreplaceable.
Here's the pretty bride-to-be and her fiance:
Life has been good, but hard. We're still struggling to figure out the job/insurance/baby situation still and really trying to trust that God is faithful and provides. We know that He does, we've seen it our entire lives and marriage, but I am a control freak, and I somehow often think that I can do a better job taking care of things. Ridiculous, I know. I get so overwhelmingly sad when I think about not teaching here next year. There are a few openings across the river, but the thought of being a brand new teacher at a brand new school for the third year in a row, plus a baby in the mix, is incredibly daunting. I've been sending my resume to various jobs but haven't had many bites yet. Our primary concern is health insurance, obviously, so Kevin has applied for a different job, too, and is planning on testing with the Belleville Fire Dept. this summer, too. He has no expectations for either of them and was hesitant to apply for the first one because it's not something he has a strong desire to do, but it has good pay and benefits, so for the time being, it would work, and he could still fit his horseshoeing in, too. He has been wanting to pursue a paramedic certification since he was at ALERT with the intention of trying to get on a fire department eventually, but even though has hasn't completed the paramedic program, he's going to test anyway for the experience.
We put an offer on a house and have an accepted contract, and the inspection is today. We know that inspections can be quite a deal breaker, so we're trying not to get too excited. We just desperately want somewhere to have our little family that is ours and is an investment rather than throwing away money renting every month. We found a cute little house that won't be much more than our rent each month, so we're praying the inspection goes well today! Like everything else in our life, we shall see what happens.
Random post. Aaaaaand end.
Tomorrow, one of my nearest and dearest friends in the whole world will be walking down the aisle. I am ecstatic, and I'm so honored to be her matron of honor and to stand up for someone I love so much. She is one of the most genuinely sweet people I've ever known. Her friendship is just precious to me. It's existed since we were 12, it's easy, it's comfortable, it's always full of laughter and good conversation, and it is just irreplaceable.
Here's the pretty bride-to-be and her fiance:
Life has been good, but hard. We're still struggling to figure out the job/insurance/baby situation still and really trying to trust that God is faithful and provides. We know that He does, we've seen it our entire lives and marriage, but I am a control freak, and I somehow often think that I can do a better job taking care of things. Ridiculous, I know. I get so overwhelmingly sad when I think about not teaching here next year. There are a few openings across the river, but the thought of being a brand new teacher at a brand new school for the third year in a row, plus a baby in the mix, is incredibly daunting. I've been sending my resume to various jobs but haven't had many bites yet. Our primary concern is health insurance, obviously, so Kevin has applied for a different job, too, and is planning on testing with the Belleville Fire Dept. this summer, too. He has no expectations for either of them and was hesitant to apply for the first one because it's not something he has a strong desire to do, but it has good pay and benefits, so for the time being, it would work, and he could still fit his horseshoeing in, too. He has been wanting to pursue a paramedic certification since he was at ALERT with the intention of trying to get on a fire department eventually, but even though has hasn't completed the paramedic program, he's going to test anyway for the experience.
We put an offer on a house and have an accepted contract, and the inspection is today. We know that inspections can be quite a deal breaker, so we're trying not to get too excited. We just desperately want somewhere to have our little family that is ours and is an investment rather than throwing away money renting every month. We found a cute little house that won't be much more than our rent each month, so we're praying the inspection goes well today! Like everything else in our life, we shall see what happens.
Random post. Aaaaaand end.
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Ohhhh, baby.
Oh, baby, baby!
We are getting so excited for this little kiddo to join our world. We reference him/her in almost all of our conversations. We usually refer to it as a "her" because we think it's a girl (although we'd be thrilled either way), and Kevin often reminds me that his son is not going to be happy if he finds out we referred to him as a "she" for months of his gestation. About five more weeks until we find out the sex!
My belly is started to show more, and I'm rockin' the bella band pretty much daily now. I'm excited to hopefully start looking pregnant and not fat soon :)
My heart and brain have been on overload lately. They've been overflowing with thoughts and hopes for our life with this little baby, but they've also just been really thinking about my identity lately. I desperately do not want my identity to be found in anything of this world. I don't ever want to be focused on being trendy, or creative, or artsy, or smart, or funny, or or or. Don't get me wrong; I don't think being any of those things is wrong at all. However, when it becomes your focus and your identity and your source of pride, it absolutely is. It seems so easy for me to get sucked into those things. If it's something I enjoy, great, but if it becomes an idol, I don't want anything to do with it. I don't want to be the girl who ____________. If my name is brought up, I want people to know me as someone who loves Jesus and loves His people. I don't want people's first thought of me to be anything outside of that. Again, don't get me wrong; I realize that I am nowhere near that, but Lord Jesus, please continue to transform this heart. It seems like even as a mom-to-be, there are crazy expectations from every angle about how we raise our child and how we live, and if we want a nice home, that means we're wordly and obsessed with money, but if we want to abandon everything and travel, we're irresponsible and unrealistic. Sometimes, I just want to scream at the world to leave me alone. It's in those times, however, that I realize that it's my fault for letting those expectations affect me at all. Hellooooo conviction. Come, Lord Jesus!
We are getting so excited for this little kiddo to join our world. We reference him/her in almost all of our conversations. We usually refer to it as a "her" because we think it's a girl (although we'd be thrilled either way), and Kevin often reminds me that his son is not going to be happy if he finds out we referred to him as a "she" for months of his gestation. About five more weeks until we find out the sex!
My belly is started to show more, and I'm rockin' the bella band pretty much daily now. I'm excited to hopefully start looking pregnant and not fat soon :)
My heart and brain have been on overload lately. They've been overflowing with thoughts and hopes for our life with this little baby, but they've also just been really thinking about my identity lately. I desperately do not want my identity to be found in anything of this world. I don't ever want to be focused on being trendy, or creative, or artsy, or smart, or funny, or or or. Don't get me wrong; I don't think being any of those things is wrong at all. However, when it becomes your focus and your identity and your source of pride, it absolutely is. It seems so easy for me to get sucked into those things. If it's something I enjoy, great, but if it becomes an idol, I don't want anything to do with it. I don't want to be the girl who ____________. If my name is brought up, I want people to know me as someone who loves Jesus and loves His people. I don't want people's first thought of me to be anything outside of that. Again, don't get me wrong; I realize that I am nowhere near that, but Lord Jesus, please continue to transform this heart. It seems like even as a mom-to-be, there are crazy expectations from every angle about how we raise our child and how we live, and if we want a nice home, that means we're wordly and obsessed with money, but if we want to abandon everything and travel, we're irresponsible and unrealistic. Sometimes, I just want to scream at the world to leave me alone. It's in those times, however, that I realize that it's my fault for letting those expectations affect me at all. Hellooooo conviction. Come, Lord Jesus!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)