2 Corinthians 4: 8-9 (warning: long post!)

Man.

When it rains, it really freaking pours, huh?

I hate to have that kind of attitude, but sometimes, it just seems so accurate.



Update on the job situation:

The girl who was hoping to take next year off is not going to be able to. Her husband's start date of his new job was pushed back to November which means she has to come back to work. That, in turn, means I have no job.



I went to the school board meeting last night to listen to them officially vote to RIF (a "RIF" is a "reduction in force") 11 teachers, 14 paraprofessionals, and some various other positions. In comparison to many schools in the area, these cuts are minimal. Schools like Alton are cutting 40+ teachers. That, however, doesn't comfort me. I sat in the meeting using every ounce of my strength to not jump up on the table and scream and yell and show them an ultrasound picture of my sweet unborn child whose health insurance they're taking away. Of course, I recognize this is not a direct fault of the school board. Our superintendent went through a presentation of the state's insane financial crisis and showed how much money the state is failing to give us - $1.5 million dollars for next year, the exact amount they're cutting in terms of faculty. Illinois ranks 49th out of the 50 states in terms of receiving their funding from the state. Translation: Illinois sucks at funding its schools. Only 28% ends up back to the school despite the tremendous increase in legal (expensive) mandates the state requires schools to comply with. Insane.



I emailed some insurance agent yesterday to ask her about buying a private policy for us instead of paying $1050/mo for COBRA through the school, and she (nicely) told me that I'm screwed since I'm pregnant. She said individual policies will not cover a pregnancy because it's a "pre-exisiting condition". I was pretty sure that's what she'd tell me, but I figured it was worth looking into.



To give you an idea of the funny (or not-so-funny) way God works sometimes, here's how things have changed in our thinking in the last two months:

• -in January, we were still doing intense house-hunting and planning on buying one as soon as we found the perfect purchase


• -we knew that if we found a house that needed some updating, we could afford to do some.
  
• - we were planning on getting 8k for buying a house thanks to the first time home buyers cax credit
  
• - i was planning on starting grad school at SIUE this summer. the school pays for 3k/year grad school reimbursement. instead, i will be teaching summer school to put more money into savings.


• -we thought we were going to have about 9-10k leftover in kevin's tax account after we paid our taxes, so with that money, we were planning on 1) kevin getting lasik surgery for his miserable eyes, 2) paying off some student loan debt, 3) putting some into savings for the house, 4) taking a trip, 5) giving some to some families at our church.


• -once tax season came, we found out that we were only going to have about 6k left. that is still a nice chunk of money, but at this point, we knew about the baby, so we figured we would just keep it in savings for baby money. kevin suggested we name the baby Lasik, since that's as close as he's "ever going to get to lasik". haha.


• -shortly after, i found out that i was likely losing my job and then found out that our COBRA insurance would be over $1000/mo (on only kevin's income), so any money in savings for a house or our original plans for the tax money now meant for every grand we had in savings, we got one month of health insurance coverage (coverage that we currently only pay $150/mo for through my work).

God must have an interesting sense of humor. Kevin and I keep talking about Proverbs 16:9 that says "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." So true. So so so true.

Amidst all of this chaos, God is still so good. Kevin and I have just been clinging to each other and to our sweet Lord to sustain us. God has definitely given us a calmness that I never would have expected in this situation. I cried the day my department chair told me, and I cried leaving the board meeting last night, but there have been no breakdowns and no flipping out.

Aside from the fear of dropping down to one income and either no insurance or insanely expensive insurance, I am so stinking sad. I love my job, and I've always felt so blessed that I look forward to my job and my students. I'm constantly telling Kevin funny stories about school, praying for my students, and thinking about ways to improve my class. The thought of not teaching is heartbreaking to me. Kevin keeps reminding me, though, that God may have plans in store that I would love even more.

So, here's to trusting the Lord.

Hello, Hormones

I've always been a crier. I cry really easily; my mom and pops are the same way. You'd never think that by looking at my dad, but he is a total softy. I blame them for my inability to fight back tears.

This pregnancy thing has brought a whole new level to my tendency to tear.

It is ridiculous. I refuse to be ashamed of it because I recognize that I don't, unfortunately, have much control over it. Luckily, Kevin never makes me feel silly or petty when I cry easily, and he's continued that into this pregnancy. Even when I'm crying watching American Idol, or crying because my jeans don't fit, Kevin is so sweet.

Yesterday, I was at Old Navy, and this little girl stopped breathing. Her mom was holding the daughter, and she was completely limp. They called an ambulance, and I just stood there and watched. The girl started breathing but was gasping for breathe and crying and couldn't keep her head up. She couldn't have been more than two years old. I could not believe how calm the mom was. She was definitely freaked out, but she wasn't screaming or crying or anything. I had to walk over into the clearance section to finally let my sea of emotion and tears out. I couldn't hold it in! It was so intense and terrifying. I fought back tears in line at the check out as I watched the paramedics talk to the mom and check out the girl, and I bawled when I got in my car.

As a mom, how do you deal with stuff like that? I honestly don't think I have the capacity. I mean, I guess you just do because you have to. You're mom. It's part of your job. But, holy cow. I couldn't keep it together, and I didn't even know the people. I really have to trust that God knew what He was doing when He decided it was time for us to have a baby, but I feel totally inadequate. I guess a lot of moms-to-be probably do, but I'm terrified.

I should know more about the status of my job in the next week or so. Prayers are appreciated!

TGIF,
Me.

Greetings!

I set this blog up quite some time ago, but, like most things in my life, I kept putting it on the backburner and hadn't posted anything. I suppose now is the time to change that!

A little update on all things Beck right now:
-We found out on Feb. 7 that we are going to have a baby! I'm 9 weeks pregnant today. After having three doctors tell me I'd have difficulty getting pregnant, it was a total SHOCK, to say the least. The shock has started to wear off, and the excitement is quickly taking its place. We're just praying for a healthy baby. I'm a total worrier by nature, so it is taking everything in me to remember that God is growing this baby, not me, and I have no control over what happens. I can take my prenatals, eat well, and take care of myself, but that's where my control ends. In all of the shock and excitement, we ended up telling pretty much everyone. I know it is considered unwise to tell people before you escape the dangers of the first trimester, but we decided to go ahead and share our news.

-Two weeks after finding out about our little babe, we found out that I will more than likely be losing my job. Our school (and every school in the state) is suffering tremendous budget cuts, and being the lowest on the seniority list in our department means I'm the first to go. The scariest part for us is that my job is our source of health insurance since Kevin is self-employed. The school has to offer me COBRA insurance, but it's $1050/mo for the three of us. Holyoverpricedinsurance. $1050? That's funny. There is a chance a girl in my department may take next year off, and if that happens, I'll get to stay for another year.

-Needless to say, house hunting is on hold for the time being.

-Also needless to say, life is craaazy right now. It is definitely a season of learning to trust trust trust. It sure is easy to talk about trusting God when you're not facing anything that really requires tremendous amounts of trust. We'll chalk it up to a learning experience :)

First post: Check.