T minus one month...

My baby is 11 months old! What?! 11 months?! A few months ago, I didn't think we'd survive to see the day!

As of late, Laik's favorites are as follows:

--walking everywhere (without regard for thresholds, corners, etc.) Kev said he looks like a drunken sailor; my mom says he looks like Frankenstein.

--his daddy and all things that involve daddy.

--jumping up and down in his crib

--water (preferably from a water bottle, but usually a sippy cup, per mom's insistance)

--shouting nonsensical words at the top of his lungs... in public places

--playing the drop-an-item-and-watch-mama/daddy-pick-it-up game (on repeat!)

--learning the word "no" (okay, not a fave)

--"how big is Laiken?"

--teething tablets!

--giving an unbelievable amount of kissies (as mama calls them)

--anything edible

--again, daddy

In a few weeks, we will have a TODDLER! a WHOLE MILK DRINKER! a BOTTLE-FREE TODDLER! A PACI-FREE TODDLER! (Okay, one thing at a time, Mom!)

A Balancing Act

Despite my best efforts-the kicking, screaming, dragging my heels, pleading with Father Time-my summer rudely packed its bags and headed out of town.

This past week, a new school year forced its way into my life, and with it comes an existance drastically different than our lives in June and July. To clarify upfront, I love my job. Although I am indecisive to my very core, I somehow managed to pick the right major at the frighteningly young age of 18. During the school year, I spend my days with packed rooms full of teenagers, instructing them in the ways of composing captivating essays (or just managing to write complete sentences, if I'm being honest) and delving into varying works of literature, trying to convice them that, they, too, should be moved to tears when Boo Radley peers out from around the bedroom door or that their heart should swell when Scout looks out from her porch. Working with teenagers is inspiring, entertaining, and, many times, frustrating as all get out. :)

Last Spring, I went back to work when Laiken was 11 weeks old. As many have experienced, it was heart-wrenching, and I was consumed with guilt and fear. I would get up at 4:45am every morning to pump for 45 minutes before showering and getting ready for work. My prep period and lunch were spent in a tiny computer server room at school, hooked up to a pump like a freaking cow, trying to keep the machine attached to my utters, all while eating a sandwich, grading essays, and creating PowerPoint presentations on the laptop sitting upon the mini-fridge that served as my makeshift desk. The hubs was in school full-time with classes several nights of the week. The combination of his absence and my chronically fussy-in-the-evening-every-stinkin'-evening baby, my evenings consisted of holding said baby, never putting said baby down for fear of the horrified look on his face and the scream escaping his mouth, and not getting a single other thing accomplished. My house was in a never-ending state of complete disarray and clutter, and our dinners consisted of frozen convenience foods that could easily be thrown in the microwave with one hand. In addition to those elements of chaos, Laiken slept horribly at night. We endured several months in the spring of getting 3-4 fragmented hours of sleep per night, battling a screaming baby for hours at a time in the middle of the night. He slept like a champ for the first four months, and then the you-know-what hit the fan. Without a doubt, in the midst of all of that insanity, my work was suffering. I felt as if I could barely hold a single thought in my mind, let alone effectively lesson plan/grade/instruct/etc. Basically, I felt like I was failing in every capacity of my life.

Fortunately for all parties involved, I have a new optimism for this year. No more pumping and no more sleepless nights. Planning and shopping for the week's meals on Sunday and picking out and ironing all of my work clothes over the weekend as well. Laiken's evening temperament improved significantly over the summer, but every evening of my first week back, his old crankiness returned. I'm hopeful that it's all a part of his adjustment, though, and that my sweet, happy, silly baby will return to our evening hours! Kevin will be home more evenings this semester (we think), so if the aforementioned fussiness doesn't dissipate, at least we have two sets of hands this year. I have only two preps this semester instead of three, which means I can devote more of my planning to those two preps. An earlier bedtime for Laiken so that I can accomplish more in the late evening (essay grading, next day's dinner prepping, bottle washing, laundry folding, etc.).

The guilt and heartache I felt leaving Laiken when he was 11 weeks old is magnified tenfold this go around. I think it's because of the summer we had together, his level of interaction, and his hilarious personality emerging-the knowledge that I am missing out on hours of it per day.

This working mom business is no joke. And I only have one baby! I think it is due to several factors: Kevin being in school, Laiken having been a more challenging baby, and me having a job that requires a lot of additional work at home.

It's chaotic, stressful, and overwhelming. It's busy, insane, and exhausting. But, at the end of the day, my prayer is that, as long as I'm a working mom, Laiken will gain some knowledge of time management, work ethic, and balance. That is not to say, of course, that stay-at-home-moms aren't displaying those characteristics, also-of course I know they are.

So, my outlook is optimistic, and I am ready to be the absolute best mom, wife, and teacher I can be. Here we go!

Time flies...

Lately, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach when I think about how quickly time is passing us by. Right now, it's quarter 'til five, and I don't know where the day has gone. At 5:15am, I got up to feed my babbling baby, and then he conked back out until 7:45am. We got up, went garage sale-ing, and then came home in time for his (and my!) morning nap. Two hours later, we crawled out of bed (and crib) and went about our daily routines. Now, the evening is closing in on us, and there are only a few more hours until Laiken goes to bed.



And our days go like this. Each one, flying by faster than I recognize until the house gets messier, the sun gets softer, and Laiken gets sleepier.




It's as if in the blink of an eye, another day is wrapping up, Laiken is another day older, and his baby days are slipping away.




I used to not understand why moms got so weepy and boo-hoo-ish about their babies growing up. It's inevitable, I thought. What's the big deal? But, now that I've entered into the mysterious world of motherhood, I get it. Like many of the things I could have never understood about being a mom until it was the life I was in, I get it. The sweet child that God grew in my body, the one who was a part of me for months, the baby who came into this world screaming while I wept along with him... is growing out of these days that we'll never experience again. When I think about the days ahead of us, I can't fight the smile that explodes on my face. Kevin and I spend our time picturing our future with Laiken, and we beam thinking about who he could become. But, my heart breaks thinking about never experiencing Laiken as a tiny, full-dependent newborn again (and how I desperately wished those days away, at the time), and how, if time keeps up its current pace, he'll be a kid before I know it.




Each night, when I put Laiken to bed, I pray over him, and I cry and cry, thanking my sweet God for giving us this precious, sweet boy, and for showing us this love I could never have imagined. Lord, help me to remember, and soak up, these days.

Reunited

Alas! I have returned to my blog. Assuredly, I have no time for you, Blog, but you lure me in with your promises of therapeutic ramblings and incessant time-wasting.

It's been almost an entire year since I last updated, and what a year of my life to fail at blogging about...

Let's see if I can manage to recap the most momentous, life-changing, incredible, difficult, and joyful year of my life.... in a few sentences and photo. Ahem...

October 16, 2010:

October 17, 2010:

And now, Laiken Robert, nine incredible months later:

Nobody could have, despite their best efforts, EVER prepared my heart (or my mind) for motherhood. The last nine months have been the best, and hardest, of my life.

Our hearts are full, our floors are cluttered, our brains are scattered, and our bank accounts are dwindling... and we are in love.

We got to see (part of) our baby's sweet face yesterday.

We are in love.

The Return

Wow.
It's been over 3 months since I've posted anything. I straight up ignored the end of the school year, the entire summer, etc. Blogging only seems to enter my mind when I'm bored, and fortunately, I haven't been bored very often.

Well, since my last post on May 7, many things have happened!

-My best friend, Kristi, got married, and I got to be the matron of honor.
-We found out this little baby inside of me is a BOY!
-I felt the baby move for the first time while sitting at my desk at school one morning. He hasn't stopped much since :)
-We bought and moved into our first house on June 4th.
-I got to be a bridesmaid in my dear friend Alex's wedding, and Kevin was a groomsman.
-We had a brief scare with baby when he decided to take the day off and not move for an entire day. We ended up in the hospital, but baby was fine... just relaxing, apparently.
-One of Kevin's best friends, Jordan, came to visit from Texas.
-Kevin turned 27.
-I started having lots of Braxton Hicks contractions, so I spent lots and lots of time lying in bed trying to slow down said contractions.
-I taught summer school, and that started in early June and ended in late July.
-I filled out endless job applications, sent numerous resumes and cover letters, and did a lot of praying in between.
-Kevin and I spent lots of time being discouraged about our job situation, and then being confident God would provide, and continually flip-flopping between the two.
-Finally got a job at the school where I was teaching! No more teaching (for now), but I'm doing a support staff position. Thank you, Jesus!
-Kevin decided to pursue nursing! He will apply this fall and hopefully be accepted to the program for the following fall. In the meantime, he'll be taking the non-nursing classes that are part of the program to lighten his load for the future.
-We've started working on the nursery because Baby Beck's arrival is quickly approaching!

Okay, as I often do, I'm losing interest as I'm typing this, so I will settle for that being my update for now. Basically, life is great. It has been the craziest year of our life so far (pregnancy, job loss, buying a house, etc.), but, overall, it has been good :)

The Scientist

This song, without fail, gets tears to well up in my eyes every time I hear it. When I was in college, I had to take a public speaking class, and for a persuasive speech we did, our assignment was to persuade our audience to donate money to a specific charity. Mine was the Women's Violence Prevention Center, and I started off the speech with a slideshow of images of women who had been the products of domestic violence, and I had this song playing in the background. Maybe that's why it evokes such emotion from me, or maybe it's because it's simply a heartwrenching song for some reason.



Tomorrow, one of my nearest and dearest friends in the whole world will be walking down the aisle. I am ecstatic, and I'm so honored to be her matron of honor and to stand up for someone I love so much. She is one of the most genuinely sweet people I've ever known. Her friendship is just precious to me. It's existed since we were 12, it's easy, it's comfortable, it's always full of laughter and good conversation, and it is just irreplaceable.

Here's the pretty bride-to-be and her fiance:















Life has been good, but hard. We're still struggling to figure out the job/insurance/baby situation still and really trying to trust that God is faithful and provides. We know that He does, we've seen it our entire lives and marriage, but I am a control freak, and I somehow often think that I can do a better job taking care of things. Ridiculous, I know. I get so overwhelmingly sad when I think about not teaching here next year. There are a few openings across the river, but the thought of being a brand new teacher at a brand new school for the third year in a row, plus a baby in the mix, is incredibly daunting. I've been sending my resume to various jobs but haven't had many bites yet. Our primary concern is health insurance, obviously, so Kevin has applied for a different job, too, and is planning on testing with the Belleville Fire Dept. this summer, too. He has no expectations for either of them and was hesitant to apply for the first one because it's not something he has a strong desire to do, but it has good pay and benefits, so for the time being, it would work, and he could still fit his horseshoeing in, too. He has been wanting to pursue a paramedic certification since he was at ALERT with the intention of trying to get on a fire department eventually, but even though has hasn't completed the paramedic program, he's going to test anyway for the experience.



We put an offer on a house and have an accepted contract, and the inspection is today. We know that inspections can be quite a deal breaker, so we're trying not to get too excited. We just desperately want somewhere to have our little family that is ours and is an investment rather than throwing away money renting every month. We found a cute little house that won't be much more than our rent each month, so we're praying the inspection goes well today! Like everything else in our life, we shall see what happens.

Random post. Aaaaaand end.

Ohhhh, baby.

Oh, baby, baby!
We are getting so excited for this little kiddo to join our world. We reference him/her in almost all of our conversations. We usually refer to it as a "her" because we think it's a girl (although we'd be thrilled either way), and Kevin often reminds me that his son is not going to be happy if he finds out we referred to him as a "she" for months of his gestation. About five more weeks until we find out the sex!

My belly is started to show more, and I'm rockin' the bella band pretty much daily now. I'm excited to hopefully start looking pregnant and not fat soon :)

My heart and brain have been on overload lately. They've been overflowing with thoughts and hopes for our life with this little baby, but they've also just been really thinking about my identity lately. I desperately do not want my identity to be found in anything of this world. I don't ever want to be focused on being trendy, or creative, or artsy, or smart, or funny, or or or. Don't get me wrong; I don't think being any of those things is wrong at all. However, when it becomes your focus and your identity and your source of pride, it absolutely is. It seems so easy for me to get sucked into those things. If it's something I enjoy, great, but if it becomes an idol, I don't want anything to do with it. I don't want to be the girl who ____________. If my name is brought up, I want people to know me as someone who loves Jesus and loves His people. I don't want people's first thought of me to be anything outside of that. Again, don't get me wrong; I realize that I am nowhere near that, but Lord Jesus, please continue to transform this heart. It seems like even as a mom-to-be, there are crazy expectations from every angle about how we raise our child and how we live, and if we want a nice home, that means we're wordly and obsessed with money, but if we want to abandon everything and travel, we're irresponsible and unrealistic. Sometimes, I just want to scream at the world to leave me alone. It's in those times, however, that I realize that it's my fault for letting those expectations affect me at all. Hellooooo conviction. Come, Lord Jesus!

160

A week ago, Kev and I heard our little pumpkin's sweet heartbeat. Our midwife couldn't find it at first, but I didn't panic, thanks to the wise advice of this lady.

Our midwife calmly rolled in the little ultrasound machine to make sure she was looking in the right spot. She isn't trained to use the machine, but we did get little glimpses of our sweet baby. He or she was moving around SO much. We got quick glimpses of fingers, and his or her legs and arms looked like they were doing the macarena. Kevin is said it'll be a boxer; I said it'll be a dancer :)

The heartrate was 160 which our midwife said was nice and strong. Almost everyone around us thinks it's a girl, and I kind of agree with them. I realized that everytime I have a thought about this baby (which is quite often), I think of it as a female without realizing it.

I finally realize why people usually say they don't care about the gender as long as the baby is healthy. I've been bombarded lately with all of the horrific things that can go wrong with the baby, so I am just in an almost constant state of prayer that his or her little body will develop strong and healthy. For some reason, several people from various parts of my life have been telling me lately about people they know whose baby died a week after birth, or they found out two days before it was born that it had a horrible, fatal defect, or they miscarried at 18 weeks, or other horrible things. Horrific! I just keep reminding myself that a) we serve a God who has promised us GOOD things and really and truly LOVES us. We have to just trust that our sweet babe is in His hands, and He knows what He's doing. and b) I know tons of people with babies and kids, and almost all of those have had normal pregnancies and healthy babies.

And lastly, I have been feeling like a fat whale lately. I haven't gained any poundage yet, but my clothes aren't fitting which is never good for the ol' self-confidence. Kevin's like, "YOU'RE PREGNANT!" Yes, darling, I realize that, but I've never had my clothes refuse to button or fit so tightly on my new curves. I'd rather just start looking pregnant because at this point, I just look like I have a big beer belly. Yuck.

2 Corinthians 4: 8-9 (warning: long post!)

Man.

When it rains, it really freaking pours, huh?

I hate to have that kind of attitude, but sometimes, it just seems so accurate.



Update on the job situation:

The girl who was hoping to take next year off is not going to be able to. Her husband's start date of his new job was pushed back to November which means she has to come back to work. That, in turn, means I have no job.



I went to the school board meeting last night to listen to them officially vote to RIF (a "RIF" is a "reduction in force") 11 teachers, 14 paraprofessionals, and some various other positions. In comparison to many schools in the area, these cuts are minimal. Schools like Alton are cutting 40+ teachers. That, however, doesn't comfort me. I sat in the meeting using every ounce of my strength to not jump up on the table and scream and yell and show them an ultrasound picture of my sweet unborn child whose health insurance they're taking away. Of course, I recognize this is not a direct fault of the school board. Our superintendent went through a presentation of the state's insane financial crisis and showed how much money the state is failing to give us - $1.5 million dollars for next year, the exact amount they're cutting in terms of faculty. Illinois ranks 49th out of the 50 states in terms of receiving their funding from the state. Translation: Illinois sucks at funding its schools. Only 28% ends up back to the school despite the tremendous increase in legal (expensive) mandates the state requires schools to comply with. Insane.



I emailed some insurance agent yesterday to ask her about buying a private policy for us instead of paying $1050/mo for COBRA through the school, and she (nicely) told me that I'm screwed since I'm pregnant. She said individual policies will not cover a pregnancy because it's a "pre-exisiting condition". I was pretty sure that's what she'd tell me, but I figured it was worth looking into.



To give you an idea of the funny (or not-so-funny) way God works sometimes, here's how things have changed in our thinking in the last two months:

• -in January, we were still doing intense house-hunting and planning on buying one as soon as we found the perfect purchase


• -we knew that if we found a house that needed some updating, we could afford to do some.
  
• - we were planning on getting 8k for buying a house thanks to the first time home buyers cax credit
  
• - i was planning on starting grad school at SIUE this summer. the school pays for 3k/year grad school reimbursement. instead, i will be teaching summer school to put more money into savings.


• -we thought we were going to have about 9-10k leftover in kevin's tax account after we paid our taxes, so with that money, we were planning on 1) kevin getting lasik surgery for his miserable eyes, 2) paying off some student loan debt, 3) putting some into savings for the house, 4) taking a trip, 5) giving some to some families at our church.


• -once tax season came, we found out that we were only going to have about 6k left. that is still a nice chunk of money, but at this point, we knew about the baby, so we figured we would just keep it in savings for baby money. kevin suggested we name the baby Lasik, since that's as close as he's "ever going to get to lasik". haha.


• -shortly after, i found out that i was likely losing my job and then found out that our COBRA insurance would be over $1000/mo (on only kevin's income), so any money in savings for a house or our original plans for the tax money now meant for every grand we had in savings, we got one month of health insurance coverage (coverage that we currently only pay $150/mo for through my work).

God must have an interesting sense of humor. Kevin and I keep talking about Proverbs 16:9 that says "A man's heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps." So true. So so so true.

Amidst all of this chaos, God is still so good. Kevin and I have just been clinging to each other and to our sweet Lord to sustain us. God has definitely given us a calmness that I never would have expected in this situation. I cried the day my department chair told me, and I cried leaving the board meeting last night, but there have been no breakdowns and no flipping out.

Aside from the fear of dropping down to one income and either no insurance or insanely expensive insurance, I am so stinking sad. I love my job, and I've always felt so blessed that I look forward to my job and my students. I'm constantly telling Kevin funny stories about school, praying for my students, and thinking about ways to improve my class. The thought of not teaching is heartbreaking to me. Kevin keeps reminding me, though, that God may have plans in store that I would love even more.

So, here's to trusting the Lord.

Hello, Hormones

I've always been a crier. I cry really easily; my mom and pops are the same way. You'd never think that by looking at my dad, but he is a total softy. I blame them for my inability to fight back tears.

This pregnancy thing has brought a whole new level to my tendency to tear.

It is ridiculous. I refuse to be ashamed of it because I recognize that I don't, unfortunately, have much control over it. Luckily, Kevin never makes me feel silly or petty when I cry easily, and he's continued that into this pregnancy. Even when I'm crying watching American Idol, or crying because my jeans don't fit, Kevin is so sweet.

Yesterday, I was at Old Navy, and this little girl stopped breathing. Her mom was holding the daughter, and she was completely limp. They called an ambulance, and I just stood there and watched. The girl started breathing but was gasping for breathe and crying and couldn't keep her head up. She couldn't have been more than two years old. I could not believe how calm the mom was. She was definitely freaked out, but she wasn't screaming or crying or anything. I had to walk over into the clearance section to finally let my sea of emotion and tears out. I couldn't hold it in! It was so intense and terrifying. I fought back tears in line at the check out as I watched the paramedics talk to the mom and check out the girl, and I bawled when I got in my car.

As a mom, how do you deal with stuff like that? I honestly don't think I have the capacity. I mean, I guess you just do because you have to. You're mom. It's part of your job. But, holy cow. I couldn't keep it together, and I didn't even know the people. I really have to trust that God knew what He was doing when He decided it was time for us to have a baby, but I feel totally inadequate. I guess a lot of moms-to-be probably do, but I'm terrified.

I should know more about the status of my job in the next week or so. Prayers are appreciated!

TGIF,
Me.

Greetings!

I set this blog up quite some time ago, but, like most things in my life, I kept putting it on the backburner and hadn't posted anything. I suppose now is the time to change that!

A little update on all things Beck right now:
-We found out on Feb. 7 that we are going to have a baby! I'm 9 weeks pregnant today. After having three doctors tell me I'd have difficulty getting pregnant, it was a total SHOCK, to say the least. The shock has started to wear off, and the excitement is quickly taking its place. We're just praying for a healthy baby. I'm a total worrier by nature, so it is taking everything in me to remember that God is growing this baby, not me, and I have no control over what happens. I can take my prenatals, eat well, and take care of myself, but that's where my control ends. In all of the shock and excitement, we ended up telling pretty much everyone. I know it is considered unwise to tell people before you escape the dangers of the first trimester, but we decided to go ahead and share our news.

-Two weeks after finding out about our little babe, we found out that I will more than likely be losing my job. Our school (and every school in the state) is suffering tremendous budget cuts, and being the lowest on the seniority list in our department means I'm the first to go. The scariest part for us is that my job is our source of health insurance since Kevin is self-employed. The school has to offer me COBRA insurance, but it's $1050/mo for the three of us. Holyoverpricedinsurance. $1050? That's funny. There is a chance a girl in my department may take next year off, and if that happens, I'll get to stay for another year.

-Needless to say, house hunting is on hold for the time being.

-Also needless to say, life is craaazy right now. It is definitely a season of learning to trust trust trust. It sure is easy to talk about trusting God when you're not facing anything that really requires tremendous amounts of trust. We'll chalk it up to a learning experience :)

First post: Check.